Suffocating in Misery

I'm seriously sick of this..

This fatigue is driving me insane and it has to stop. i need to find a cure for this madness before i lose it.

The things it does to me. .The pain. .It's agonizing

The hurt it causes to my baby girl. She doesn't deserve this. It tears and eats at me to know that she cries for the things it does. She's been ever so patient and faithful and i treasure her.

*Sweetheart, thank you for being patient and understanding. I know it's hard for you at times and you put up with the effects of this damn thing. I'm Proud to call you my Partner and my Lover and no one can come in between us or change my love for you. You are an Amazing girl and not a day goes by that i don't think about or miss you.
I love you Sarina. I will fight this 'leech' and be rid of it..*

I've had enough of this torment..
2 and a half years of my life taken away from me. It's not right..


To my 'Leech'


irse a la mierda - FUCK OFF!!!!

Aye Carumba!! Needles!!!

I went for a second surgery on my nose yesterday and it was a really uncomfortable experience.

The first op i went for was to straighten my deviated septum and for that i was under general anasthesia which to the unitiated means that i'm asleep while the op is in progress.

This time round, i was under local anasthesia which means that only the part that was to be operated on would be numbed and the op was to reduce my inferior turbinates(tissue in the nose that swells when allergents are present)

Anyway, i was really nervous as i lay on the operating table. To be honest, i'm a big baby when it comes to needles :(


BAck to the op...

After waiting for around 15 minutes, my doctor came in to brief me about the whole procedure and soon after, it commenced.

A sheet with a small hole was placed over my face which allowed only my nose to be exposed. I was given a couple of injections into the tissue of both nostrils and i held my breath each time i felt the prick of the needle. After the whole are became numb, a long metal spoke which was attached to some device was pushed deep into the tissue and once it was in, a radio frequency was turned on and the spoke heated up and burned away the surrounding tissue. It was so damn uncomfortable and i could feel some pain even with the anasthesia but i bore with it. At one point, i felt nauseous and my whole body felt unbearably warm that i had to ask them to remove my blanket. The whole while the surgery took place, i wished that i had SArina's hand to hold. I missed her so much..

I could feel and taste blood and fluid run down my throat and i had to constantly swallow the sick taste of the mix of fluids.

The whole process took half an hour and i was thankful when it was finally over. My nose was bleeding and it felt swollen. A nurse came to push me back to my ward and once i got back to my bed, i fell asleep soon after.

A while later, i was woken up by my doctor who came to check on me and said everything looked fine. I was allowed to leave after changing up


Before i forget, a funny thing happened. On the Bed next to mine was a Mat who had ended his surgery and was going home. As he walked past my bed, he bowed his head and smiled at me meekly. What made it funnier was that he was a big sized guy who was covered in tattoos! It was so darn weird but i smiled back good naturedly

Well, it's onna take a few weeks for the results(if any) to show and i'm hoping for the best. I want an end to this fatigue and a chance to get back to the way i was...
Hope in My Heart


I've been given a 7 day mc till this sunday but i;m going back to work on friday cos i can't afford to lose any more money. It's the sad truth but all this sacrifice is for a better future

Some people are so spoilt that they take what they have for granted.... They get whatever they want and don't have to suffer like the 'little' people do.

Sigh...




Anw, Thanks to everyone who gave me their well Wishes. It means a lot guys and girls

God Bless You All


:D

This is the top half of the whole device. the metal spoke at the end is like 5 inches long and it went all the way into the tissue! Bummer!


After the Op, my nosie still bled!

I Promise I Won't Let Go

These past few days have been a little hard for sarii and me.

We talked about a lot of things. Stuff like her parents wanting to arrange a marriage for her cos to them, it won't be about love but instead on religion and status. The Stress of it got to the both of us and tears were shed by the both of us. I really think that it is unfair in this modern age to adhere to old traditions and stuff like that. I mean, we've only ONE short lifetime on this planet and i wanna live it without regrets. I wanna be with Sarii and no one else and i'll work hard to prove all our doubters wrong. As it is, i'm working my ass off to save up for our future and my damn medical bills. Skipping meals at work and relying on a pack of bread to sate my hunger for 2 to 3 days. That is one of the sacrifices i am willing to give to make the future a brighter one and NO ONE has the God given right to deny me what i want or to take away my happiness. Think about it. if you want something in life, you do all you can to achieve it and once you have it, you make sure that you take care of it and don't take things for granted. As for sarii's parents, when the time comes and i wanna make her my partner for life, i'll sit down with her and talk to her parents. It is a scary prospect but one which has to be done. With all our friends supporting us and as long as our love is strong, i believe it'll win them over. i have Faith


Another thing that was my uncalled for, was my jealousy at the prospect of her dancing with other guys at parties and stuff. I mean, i do trust her and she assured me that even if she did, it would mean nothing and that as long as no lines are crossed it'll be fine with me. She is her own person after all and i am not the type of guy to deny her what she wants or to control her life. That's not how things work for me. Love is all about trust and honesty and i trust every word she says just like she knows she can trust me. My friends can attest to that or else i wouldn't be the first person they turn to when something's the matter.



For those who are reading this and whose relationship is going through hard times or if you feel that the feeling of love ain't there anymore, don't give up on it no matter how bad things may seem. Do all you can to salvage it.
Relationships will be dull and stagnant if everything is monotonous..


Make every day with that person you love special.

Instead of the movies all the time, take them to the beach or something like that.

Have fun and learn to make each other laugh.

Learn from each other and encourage each other.

Don't forget the little things like saying 'i love you', buying flowers(YES! girls for guys too!), asking how your partners day was etc

Don't compromise on anything for the one you love :)

Don't let the little fights spoil things in the relationship. Learn to forgive and to forget.

Most Importantly, TRUST each other and be HONEST





~~For Sarii~~

Baby, i wanna publicly apologize for the times i've hurt you with the words i've said even though you know i didn't mean to. I want you to never doubt that i love you and that my heart beats only for you. I am dedicated to this love we share and i know that you are to :)

I love you very much Sweetheart. Be Strong and don't give up. Keep in your mind all the lessons i've taught you. I am proud of you for all the positive changes that you willingly undertake.


We both know that this relationship will have many obstacles but through it all, hold my hand tight and we'll fight for our love.

I won't give up!

For You..

For Me..

For Us..

ForEver!

~~These Words Are my Heart and Soul~~

Web of Shadows

Little Spider, Little Spider
Why do you cry?
Are things not going right for you?
I see you struggle up the web your on,
despite how it feels inside.


Do you need a hand?
No you say?
Well, i'm sure you can do it :)
I see a Fire Inside You.
You WILL Do it.

You're not like the rest.
You care about others
and selfless in your acts.
Why do you do it even though
rewards for that are far and few?

You've been bullied for your kindness
yet you put on a smile.
You're patient and caring unlike,
the others of your kind.

You were once full of life
but now a shadow of your former self.
You wonder where all the energy went.
A torment that eats at you.
You had your heart broken and it made things worse
i heard.


Through it all you struggled.
Grasping straws for hope,
searching for truth and the cure.
Your attempts had proven futile,
yet you still see light in the darkness
and keep hope in your heart.

That's Good Little Spider... That's Good


I'm certain that there are Ones that are Bigger than you,
who are not as strong at heart!



Little Spider, Little Spider
What's that you say?
You long to break free from your skin
and start on a brand new slate?
You want to be what you were meant to be?


Then Fight Little Spider!
Push Hard from Within!
Let the old skin drop away
and come out feeling new.
Stretch out your hands and feel,
what it's like to be alive again.


For once you find new found energy,
the Symbol on your back will show.
Then everyone will see that the little Spider has,
Venom in his skin(in time you will see what i mean)

They will know that the Little Spider,
has been given a new lease in life.
An opportunity to make up for what he lost
and to be able to do what his heart desires.


Little Spider, Little Spider

Leave your mark on the world.
Show the ones who look down on you that,
that you are the one that proves them wrong

Gosh! It's been too damn long since i've updated my blog or touched my pc for that matter. . You guys and gals must have thought i climbed up a tree and forgot to come down aye?


What's happened in my life since the last post? well for starters, i joined Crumpler 3 weeks ago and it's been awesome :D It's a real fun place to work in and my colleagues are wacky! It doesn't feel like work at all and it's because we joke around and the environment there is really relaxed. Fun! Fun!

I'll try to take some pictures and post them up the next time :)




~Sarii Sweets and myself enjoyed watching kung fu panda and the Incredible Hulk! Awesome movies! KFP had so many coincidences that sari and myself share in real life. She's a real Darling! I love that girl! She's the sweetest thing(she bought me a comic book!!!) hehehehe
She makes me so damn Happy and i love her with all my heart and soul.. sounds cliched but it's true!!

~Hung Out with Ramon the whole night on the 24th and we encountered 'Flying Tarantulas' and Muay Thai Trannies!! That's Scary Shit!! Thank God we survived the night :P


~HAd A pleasant surprise when Neeraj and GAya turned up at the store and asked me to hang out for lunch. They brought me to Cineleisure and Sarii Baby surprised me there(she grabbed me from behind and i gave out a funny squeak!!)


*I'll fill up my bloggie the next day off i have guys.. so damn sorry about it :(


TAke Care and God Bless all of You :D









EL SenSacion

S is for Survive Not Suffer

LAst night after i got the results from my CPAP and fell into depression, i spent the night tossing and turning in bed and thinking about my fatigue and i told myself that all the sadness and anger would get me nothing. I decided to be positive and wake up to a new day with a smile even if the fatigue is bad. Guess What, i didn't feel too bad today and i hope this continues till the day i finally get rid of it.

Dear friends like Prim and Suee also have shit that they are dealing with and sometimes i wonder why stuff like this happens to the nice guys(and girls). Whatever it is, i hope that we find a way to rid ourselves of these 'leeches'

I wanna thank Sarii Sweets for being such a darling and for being true in her love for me. I love you lots Baby Girl :)



~RISE AGAINST -SURVIVE

Somewhere between happy, and total f**king wreck
Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge
Spend your waking moments, simply counting time
Is to Give up on your hopes and dreams, give up on your…

Life for you, has been less than kind
So take a number, stand in line
We’ve all been sorry, we’ve all been hurt
But how we survive, is what makes us who we are

An obvious disinterest, a barely managed smile
A deep nod in agreement, a status quo exile
I shrink my obligations, I miss all your deadlines
I excel at quitting early, and f**king up my life

Life for you, has been less than kind
So take a number, stand in line
We’ve all been sorry, we’ve all been hurt
But how we survive, is what makes us who we are

All smiles and sunshine, a perfect world on a perfect day
Everything always works out, I have never felt so f**king great
All smiles and sunshine, a perfect world on a perfect day
Everything always works out, I have never felt so great~

What do i do? Where do i turn to?

Guess What, as soon as i posted the last entry, i got my results for the cpap trial and the results show that my air passageways are not the problem so CPAP is not the solution.

I don't know what to do. . I feel so emotionally F**Ked Right now! All this time waiting and for what?? NOTHING!!!

I'm back to where i began. searching for a cure to this madness! Finding a way to free myself from it's clutches..

I can't even type out how i feel right now. I'm distressed! Shitty!

Heartache...


I'm crying my eyes out and i'm all alone here in my tears. This feeling of helplessness is driving me crazy. i HATE this fucking fatigue! What the FUCK did i ever do to deserve something like this..

ANGER
FRUSTRATION
DEPRESSION
HELPLESSNESS

Like some kind of Leech, You suck the life out of me...




SALVAME...



please

CPAP Update

Well, it's been a week with the CPAP on trial and there isn't any improvement on my condition whatsoever. The feeling really sucks you know. All the hope on it and nothing to show for at the end of the trial.

I guess that it'll take a bit more time before the improvements start to show but impatience is getting the best of me. I mean, 2 and a half years with this shit and i just want it to stop.

The main thing that i don't like about the CPAP thingee is that i have to sleep with a gas mask strapped to my face and it's really difficult to sleep with it on :(

Bummer Days!!

So yeah, what i'm gonna do is to give it more time and hope for the best.

A new Dawn or an endless Dusk??

This is it.. The wait is finally over..

Tonight is the night i get my CPAP for my fatigue syndrome and i pray so hard that it works. two and a half years with this shit is enough. I don't want anymore pain, tears and tiredness..

My fingers are crossed so tight and i have a prayer in my heart that it works. This fatigue has taken so much away from me and it has to end. I wanna go back to the old energetic energizer bunny that i was. the REAL Jason Sensation! No more the tired zombie that struggled through NS and work with it..

So yeah! this could be my last blog entry with my fatigue problem. I'm excited, i'm nervous, i'm scared but most of all, i'm hopeful..


I'll let you guys know how it goes... wish me luck aye :D

Mosh! MoSH!! MOSH!!! SArii Sweets's First VL show

Saturday was an absolute BLAST!!!

After almost a month of being away, it was so damn good to see VL and the VLC again. Brought SArii Sweets along for it and was really glad that everyone warmed up to her. She was a little shy at first but by the end of the day, she was just like a part of us :D

~ Met up with sarii at around 3 and we headed off to OUtram to get a prezzie for her friend Feefa. She tried her hand at PAtapon and Winning Eleven on my PSp and we had a good laugh :D

We then headed over to Breko to meet up with the gang and was damn happy to see them. Introductions were made,hugs and handshakes exchanged and then it was down to serious business.....

Our PreShow Ritual.....

The BUBBLES song!!

Oh Ramon! Thanks for wanting to put cigarette ash in my beer! :P hahaha


~Sarii and myself started joking around with Moses. That Baller and Sarii conspired to stuff Fries and his Burger into my mouth and he did!!! Thanks Guys!!


~Went up to get ready for the show at around 7

I was freakin pumped up and so ready to mosh!! After being outta the pit for so damn long,(The last time was Deafcon 9), I was ready for some fun!

~ While Waiting for VL to set up, i bumped into Hanis, my old classmate and lead singer for the band *Dear! Who am i?, jumped on him and accidentally elbowed him in the mouth! Way To GO EL SenSacion!!


VL's Set was awesome!!! Moses,Mike,FAi and myself were moshing and screaming our lungs out. The VLC were behind us singing every word and the whole feel of it was Fuckin A!! If i'm not mistaken, it was Mike who moshed and knocked into ALvin and it was damn funny! The Set was Energetic and the showmanship keeps getting better all the time. My shoes flew off like 3 times while moshing and that exposed my gay SpongeBob socks! Sheeesh!!The BEst part came when Ramon dedicated Memories Shaded Black and Red to Sarii and myself :D The VLC faced the both of us and cheered. Sarii Sweets turned and kissed me. I held her tight and sang along to the song. Goodbye was So Damn Good! The intro of it plus the rap was really awesome and proves my point that VL ain't a one trick pony! Fantastic JOb guys :D


¬After the show, i sent SArii to Hougang station nd it was really hard to say goodbye cos whenever we leave, it feels like a part of me is ripped away. i just love that girl so much and she's simply awesome. After kissing and watching her leave, I then met up with the guys at the Esplanade to watch Ramon's bro, Steve propose to his girlfriend. It was damn sweet!! We then had dinner at Makansutra. Ramon cracked us up when he used Mike's Umbrella to hit himself.( you press a button on it and the top part extends ) hard to explain but it was damn funny.. Trust Mike to have Gay shit in his Bag


It was A Great end to an even Greater Day. I can't wait for the next show :D


Here are some pics and stuff...


Sarii Sweets and myself before the show


The Sensation, Sarii and Moses


Getting my face stuffed by moses


Moses Telling us how BIG IAn's Weiner Really is..


Moses And IAn Getting IT ON!!


Aye Aye


ONAMI and RAMONA - My Secret Admirers


Hot Sweaty GAy Boys! (All thanks to Mike's Shirt)


Kopitiam Kakis!


We Are so DArn Cooooote!!



After Moshing Souveniers






CAn't wait for the next Show!!!

Boy Oh Boy! What a Day!

Finally got my hands on Neil Gaiman's AMERICAN GODS!! Woohooo!! Been waiting to read it for a damn loooooong time..





Met SArii Sweets at around 12 and we went to the library at Bugis to get my book. *Had an intimate moment with the glass door thanks to sarii!!! hahahaha

I'm so gonna get her back for it!! :D

My Poor dear was really down and i felt so sad to see her that way. She had been feeling stressed out from her schoolwork and things at home and she was not herself that day. . . She is a wonderful girl and it hurts to see her looking so sad and tired.. can't wait for her to have fun this saturday and take her mind Off things. She Needs some time to relax!

We said our goodbyes at Senkang and she was off to meet her little 9 year old cuzzie Shasha.

Oh! Had $4 deducted from my ezlink card cos i 'overstayed' in the station!

Daylight Robbery lah!!!


~ Got a Pleasant surprise when i saw Suee as i exited the train. Was really happy to see her but couldn't stay to talk. I freakin miss the WHOLE VLC like hell!! Been a month plus since i've seen them and i can't wait to see them again this saturday!!


Bought some bananas to eat before i got home!



mmmmmmm...bananas




Then!! i burned my hands 4 times!!

1 one the iron, one on a pot of boiling water, spilling hot tea on my hand and then holding the hot cup.. Gosh! Not Fun Lah!! Ouchies!!




Ok then, gonna go eat my bananas now..

chomp! chomp!

For Your Broken Heart - Dedicated to HAfiz

I saw your girl the other day and in her hand she held the hand of another. Caught up in bliss and unaware that familiar eyes were watching. My thoughts shifted to you and wondered whether i should tell you. I guess i was afraid of you being hurt but i couldn't stay quiet. How could i? I'd be ashamed to call myself your friend if i did.

And so i told you and you called to say that you had broken up a week ago. Surprise gripped you to learn how fast she had moved on. I could feel the bitterness in your voice, the acid that burned your veins and i knew how it felt.. cos that's exactly what happened to me.

It's so funny how you,her,my ex and me got together in school, were in the same class and were close friends. I remember the time when your's mistook my care for love and cut her wrists. How people hated me even though i did no wrong.. Then you came along, took her into your arms and gave her happiness. The times the four of us shared, the beach and all. i will miss them just as much as you. Can't believe the similarity of our situations man. They took for granted the love of a good heart and left for a God Damn MAt..

Fuck em all! USeless Wallet Stealing, Cheap Beer Drinking, Underage Girl Impregnating,Good for Absolutely NOTHING Fuckers!! Fuck YOu! Fuck You!


I won't go on cos i don't want your heart to bleed further from reminiscing the memories once cherished.. but now shattered..

Just know that you've a Brother here who cares and will always lend you his shoulder to cry on..




My Heart aches for you

Jason Thomas

Sometimes, it gets really frustrating when you try your best to instill a little positivity in a person you care so much about. It can be a friend, a brother or something more but no matter who it is, the hurt is there when they refuse to be receptive.

You do your best to give them hope and you speak words of encouragement but it turns out to be in vain but no matter how frustrated and hurt you feel, you just calm yourself and try and try again.

When all you want is the Best for them.. Isn't that a sign of care or love?

It takes time and a lot of patience on your part but don't give up. Cos one day, they'll realize how much you care for them and appreciate you for that. If they don't well, a day will come when they will look back and realize their mistake. Just hope that it won't be too late by then...




*Please believe in Yourself